


Conversations at 3AM

by littlemarvelfics



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-03
Updated: 2018-09-03
Packaged: 2019-07-06 04:09:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,687
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15878241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littlemarvelfics/pseuds/littlemarvelfics
Summary: A few conversations that you and Bucky have at 3am.





	Conversations at 3AM

“Hi,” you say, your voice quiet and gentle.

“Hi,” he says, in a similar manner.

“So… Why are you awake? Nightmares?”

“Yeah, nightmares,” he says with a slight smile. No one had really asked him about the nightmares. Steve had said something offhand and Bucky told him not to worry. He was sure everyone else heard him: the screams, the sobs. But they never asked. Maybe they didn’t care. Or worse yet, maybe they were afraid of him. But she asked with the same simplicity as chatting about the weather.

You gesture to the spot next to you on the couch. “You can sit? If you want that is. I couldn’t sleep either. Some company might be nice…” your voice trails off as you take in Bucky’s seemingly blank expression. Maybe you did cross a line by asking. But Bucky is looking at you, really looking at you as if trying to memorize everything about this moment. Like he knows it’s the start of something. He decides he has nothing to lose and so he sits.

 

Weeks after your first 3am meeting with Bucky, it becomes a regular occurrence. Sometimes he’s the first one up, so he wanders down to the common room and sits and waits. He always hopes you’re going to show up and sit next to him. You don’t always talk, you don’t need to. Sometimes you both just sit in silence and focus on getting to the next breath. Other times there’s light conversation and jokes. Bucky likes your quick wit and how you’re not too careful around him. You don’t treat him with kid gloves like so many other people do. You don’t treat him like he’s a hundred year old man in the wrong decade. You treat him like he’s just… Bucky. He’s lost in thought when you finally find your way in the seat next to him.

“Hi, handsome.”

He smirks at the nickname.

“How bad tonight?” you ask gently.

“Not too bad,” he answers honestly. “Woke up but I couldn’t fall back asleep. So I was hoping I’d run into you down here. Not that I hope you’re having bad dreams or not sleeping...” he starts to stumble over his words and heat rises to his cheeks.

You giggle lightly and Bucky thinks it might be the sound that saves his very existence. Within that little giggle he can feel the weight come off his shoulders.  
“No, I know what you mean. I like these nights with you, too, Buck.”  
He takes a deep breath to steady himself and prepares to ask you the question he’s wanted to ask since the pair of you found yourselves in the very same position weeks earlier.  
“So… um… I was just wondering... if you’re not too busy… and if you actually wanted too… and you can say no if you want and we can act like this never happened..”

You lightly nudge him and look up at him, slightly concerned with a furrowed brow.

“Well… would you like to go out with me sometime? Like on a date?”  
You let out a sigh of relief and smile largely at him.  
“I’d love to Bucky. That would be wonderful.”  
Little else is said that night and Bucky prays that you can’t hear his heart pounding out of his chest. But your heart is doing just the same.

 

It’s been months since that night and Bucky can’t remember a time he’s felt like this. He feels light and happy. He laughs out loud and looks over his shoulder far less than he used to. You’re his light. Most nights you sleep in the same bed, and although there are fewer nightmares now they aren’t completely gone, but neither of you find yourselves leaving the room when the nightmares happen. You just hold each other a little tighter and wait it out together. And that’s what Bucky thinks home his. Your arms wrapped around him, whispering quietly that he’s safe and nothing terrible is going to happen to either of them.   
But it’s a quiet night with no interruptions when Buck looks down at you. You’re lying on his chest and your breathing is even and calm. He wants to let you sleep, he really does. But if he doesn’t say it now he’s sure he’ll chicken out the next time you look him in the eye. He shakes you slightly and you stir a bit. Bucky shakes you again and you wake more. Your eyes barely open but you’re ready to comfort him. Protect him from the demons in his brain.

“You’re okay, Bucky. It’s 2018 and you are here with me and everything is okay”

“No, no doll, I’m fine. I’m more than fine actually”

You prop yourself up on your elbow and pull away from him to look him in the eye.

“Well, then what is it? You better have a good reason for waking me up at..” you look over at the clock, “3:04 in the morning.”

“These past few months have been… incredible. It’s been the best few months of my life and I just have to tell you… I love you. I love you more and more each day. And just when I think I can’t love you anymore, you do something. You roll your eyes at my stupid jokes or you help me train or you tell Sam to shut it when he’s being a jerk. And I just… I love you.”  
Your eyes are brimming with tears, and for a moment you’re speechless. Bucky is looking at you, anxiety etched into his face. Maybe he said too much too fast. Or maybe you had never felt the same and he was just way out of line. And then you smile.  
“I love you too Bucky. Always.”

 

He’s not sure how they got here, and you’re not either. It started small, they both know that. Play fights that would end in giggles and time spent between the sheets slowly turned into Bucky on the couch and you crying in bed. Maybe it was that you were different. You wanted to move out of the compound and get a house, just the two of you, Bucky wanted to stay in the relative safety of the other Avengers. Bucky wanted to go out and make amends for all that he did while he was the Winter Soldier.   
You wanted to slow down and maybe get married. Or maybe just enjoy each other without the having to save the world every other day. And you wanted to at least entertain the idea of starting a family. And Bucky? Bucky didn’t know if he could have children. And if he could, he had serious doubts about being able to raise them. And then Bucky started taking unnecessary risks in the field. Putting himself in danger to help those who could help themselves. And then, slowly, he stopped coming home after missions.

You used to wait up for him and ask him about the mission in a way that comforted him, like he knew he was coming home to someone who cared. Now, he’s greeted with a scowl and questions about why he couldn’t just stay home and stop leaving you to worry. So, he stopped going straight home and started going to bars. It’s not as if he could actually get drunk anymore, but he could chase the feeling and pretend. And he would eventually find himself home with you. Until one night he saw another girl. And this girl looked at him like he was the world. The way his girl used to. The way you used to. Somehow she ended up next to him at the bar, flirting in an obvious way until she finally kissed him. And he kissed her back until he realized that she wasn’t what he wanted. So he pulled away and made up some excuse to get out of there as soon as he could. What he didn’t see was you, the supposed love of his life standing not far away. You had come looking for him, and after pushing Steve to give up his location, you had found him. And found how he had been spending his time lately. You had rushed home before him and that’s how he found himself in this situation.

“Get out.” It’s nearly hissed through gritted teeth. The same eyes that used to look at him like he was your world were now dark and angry. He tries to explain but you’re not hearing it.

“I need you to leave, James. Now.”

The way you say James cuts him like a hot blade. You have never called him James. At least not like this.

“No, we need to talk about this. I love you and you know that I do. I made a mistake. One mistake! It’s not like you’re perfect- you’ve made mistakes, too, doll.”  
He glances at the clock on the wall. The red numbers glare in the low light of night with ‘3:32am’ almost mockingly. He briefly remembers all the late nights like these where, instead of harsh words, it was kind reassurance and loving touches.

“I know! I know, Bucky! I’ve messed up but not like this. Never like this.”  
“You never listen to me! You just blow me off constantly. You did this too. You’re part of the reason we’re here.”

“Don’t you dare, don’t you DARE put this on me. I did not go kiss some random girl from the bar! I can’t do this right now. I’m going to bed. Don’t be here when I wake up.”

Bucky had hoped that he could fix it. But when he went over to your shared area in the compound the next morning, you weren’t there. And when he went back the next day, your things were gone, the important things at least. And that’s how he finds himself here. Sitting on the couch in the common room where he learned to breath again, where he fell in love with you, but he knows that you’re gone and you won’t be coming back.


End file.
